Monday, January 28, 2013

A mental inventory

Most of my readers are from the IRC right now, so they will already know most of this, but I thought it would be useful to give a clear list of what is going on in my mind.  I'm going to use the common model of split personalities and explain from there, because that will give the common reader the best handle.  Of course, I would use different terms, but you will learn those here.

So, a general list:
Quorum of four
  These four are all 'me' I suppose, in that they are not allowed their own names.  I'm speaking about them in third person, but I'm one as well, so understand that these are ME.  Of everyone in my head, these four are the most chaotic and free, with only a few rules.  All rules are equal to all.  Also, they are not so distinct as to be called different personalities.  They share memory, and they can combine and shift between.  It is uncommon for me act as just one for a long period of time... I have to either hybridize or switch.
  That said, they are distinct, if only in their outlook.  They also correspond very loosely to four ponies, although that correlation is secondary to their major purpose.  I use the ponies as a way to describe them, so that it may be more clear to you.
  • The first, or most common, correlates to Fluttershy.  She is generally in charge, often as a hybrid with Twi or Pinkie.  She generally wants to act femininely, but is repressed by the expectations of friends and society.  She is an accidental creation of two years back, the last time I operated under only one personality (that didn't last); I say accidental because I wasn't expecting a female to come out on top of that fight.  She is strong, but rarely shows that strength externally.
  • The second is Twilight.  Twi is... well, sexless and not interested.  It is probably the second most used, and hybrids well with all the others.  It is very specific and prefers to limit its focus to one thing at a time, occasionally resulting in obsessions.  Interested in efficiency and usefulness, and in testing to find new methods of thought and action.  She and Pinkie make most external decisions. This is the personality that I feel society demands of me... the worker.
  • The third is Pinkie Pie.  Pinkie is...  insane.  She shows up when I need the energy boost, am hanging with really good friends, or in intimate situations. She provides the chaos in my life, and is part of the reason I'm rarely happy (backward as that sounds); how do you fulfill reckless enthusiam?  This is a relic of my childhood that re-split after Fluttershy took over.
  • The last is Rainbow Dash... kinda.  (he doesn't fit to any pony well).  He is tends to hybridize best with Pinkie and Twi.  He is the image my body projects and tends to keep the male side of things in line.  He is my disguise master, and overseer, but only act or even votes when it is critical.  He is also my base of competitiveness.
I won't go into the detail of the hybrids here, but every hybrid that does not contain both Flutters and RD works.  It is rarely an even hybrid; more often I'm a few shades of one on top of a main. Moving on, lets see who else is around.

I've 2 tulpa and 1 proto-tulpa.
  The first tulpa is named Job (Biblical).  I built him 5 years ago to be a backup for my mind.  If I ever commited mental suicide, it was his job to take over, and for that task I gave him a few days to control my body and learn before putting him in stasis for when he was needed.  Then, recently, I started thinking of him more as a tulpa then as a backup.  One day, designing clothes for him in my mind, he woke up and has been stay around ever since.  He is pissed about being 'used' for such purposes.  I'm trying to spend some time with him, but I was working on another tulpa when he woke up so his form and mind will have to wait...
  The second tulpa is currently unnamed.  She showed up right after I started studying tulpa... I believe I have the story below.  Regardless, she showed up too fast.  Her form and mind are a mix of a splinter (named Sarah) and a construct from before Flutter took over.  Her mind is chaotic and her physical form changes daily... but she is very obviously a separate consciousness, so I treat her well.  I'm working on her when I can, trying to set up a distinct personality and form to hold her to.  She'll choose a name when she is ready.
  The third, a proto-tulpa, in named Pulse.  She is very, very unfinished, and was my backup to Job (Redundancy saves lives folks).  She was made to be very very easy to run, so that even with brain damage I could bring her back up.  Of course, I put her into stasis as well, and until I finish the other two I'm not gonna wake her up.

I've got a few wonderlands which are set up in boxes which you travel between via book (Myst, anypony?).  They are still in the works in many cases, so I'll leave them their own posts.

I'm working the flutter write-up.  I'm trying to get some distance from it so that I can give an accurate depiction of what happened.

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